To the parents of late teens: Ease your hold but not your heart.

I see teenagers, young adults, and their parents, in my office more and more often.  To the parents of late teenagers their children are just that: children.  And of course to the teens themselves they’re “almost grown.”  The young adults feel “free” yet sometimes not at ease in their new freedom.  It seems this has always been the push and pull of transitional age teens and their families as they try to come to terms with the growing independence combined with an often lagging maturity.   As  parents and teens chafe against each other in this age-old struggle, there may be one very important aspect of the struggle that gets lost:  there is not much more time for either the parents or the teen to get the best possible from the time that is left in their interdependent relationship.  Parents could benefit by remembering that young people will need to grow into independent adults… it’s what we actually want for them.  And they can best contribute to that by easing parental controls gradually yet steadily, giving the transitioning teen an opportunity to experience themselves and the world around them with ever increasing autonomy while they are still in the parent’s home.  That way the parent can witness and applaud their successes and, importantly, witness and help to correct their mistakes while the teen is right there and can still be influenced.  Once away from home, whether in college or living and working on their own, the transitional age teen must immediately become a young adult.  All to often they’ve had very little practice, and almost no guidance in this new world.  No more curfew, no more mandatory house chores, no more restrictions on boys or girls in their room… just sudden limitless possibilities.  It’s no wonder that so many lose their way, and eventually find their way back  home, much to their and their parents’ quiet dismay, and not infrequently into my office.

Yes, the world may seem, and may actually be more complicated and even more dangerous than it was when  parents were in their teenage years, but still, your own teens must learn and grow and adapt to the world they are inheriting, and the more skillfully they can adapt the more successful they will be.  So parents, start coaching… NOW.  Which means your teen has to be in the game!

Making changes: small and steady can work.

Are you thinking of starting therapy but feel uncertain of what you might need to change about yourself?  Often new therapy clients are wary of the very changes they may need to make in order to improve their lives.  Indeed this reticence may compel some people to avoid engaging in psychotherapy all together.   There is a fear that one must become a completely different person.   While some special situations call for major changes in how the person thinks, feels and acts, the truth is that for most clients there are small, incremental changes that over time will make a big difference and result in the transformation they want to make.  Try thinking about it this way:  if you make a moderate adjustment in a diet or savings plan, there may be a minimal immediate impact.  But over time, by maintaining fidelity to that moderate change, new and more helpful habits take hold, and that moderate change has a cumulative positive impact on your life… better cholesterol measures or a little more money in the bank.   The same is true of any positive behavioral change even if it is moderate.  It’s not usually necessary to make an abrupt and dramatic shift in your manner of living in order to bring about positive change, as long as the new direction is indeed a positive one and you stick to it.

The change process begins with understanding what is going wrong in your life and how you are contributing to the problem.  Yes, others may be contributing to the problem as well, but you’re the one you can actually change without seeking permission!  Then by developing  a deeper awareness of your own actions, including why you’ve acted in that way, you can begin to identify which changes. may have the most beneficial impact in your life.  Next, making a moderate shift in behavior, perhaps just slightly different from what you now do, and working to maintain that change, begins to build a new pathway for your life.  Over time the desired changes will have become easier to see and to maintain.  Each day of living with a new intention and a moderate change in behavior soon becomes weeks and months of the new and happier you, and also opens the door to yet another moderate change that you had not imagined possible and that may bring you even closer to the lifestyle you want.  Here’s how W.H. Murrey wrote about the magic to taking initiative and experiencing the surprise of what can happen next:

“Until one is committed there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.  Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plan: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, thenProvidence moves too.  All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred.  A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in ones favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamt would have come his way, I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe’s couplets: ‘Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.  Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.  Begin it now!”    W. H. Murray

So today, think boldly and think small!  Begin building the new pathway for the “new you” by contacting a mental health professional and starting to make the moderate yet magical changes that can transform your life.

Men and Mental Health

Popular wisdom holds that men are more stoic, or perhaps less in touch with their feelings, then are women.  Now a recent study done in Great Britain reveals that the popular wisdom is true.  For you the popular wisdom may not have needed validation, but the numbers are still interesting, and also concerning.

Researchers found that 37% of men surveyed report feeling of anxiety and depression.  The primary factors causing distress in their lives were job security, work and money.  This appears to be a direct result of the global economic free-fall, and so can be presumed to be valid in most countries that trade beyond their borders.

The study continues to provide illuminating statistics.  At least 31% of the men surveyed  report they would feel embarrassed to seek mental health help, and only 14% would seek any kind of medical attention for symptoms of anxiety or depression, compared with 37% of women who would do so.   Just as concerning, only 29% of men would talk to friends about their inner struggle, compared to 53% of women who would do so.

With more and more job loss in our community, and the overwhelming feelings of loss and fears that happen when one faces the collapse of a hard-earned lifestyle, we can expect that we ourselves and many people around us will experience increased stress and anxiety.   This is an appeal to the men, and those who love and care about them, to seek the support and guidance of a qualified mental health professional when occasional worry turns into more persistent anxiety, or more.  Encourage the men that you think may be suffering in silence, or not so silently with alcohol or drugs,  to make an appointment.   Doing so is a sign of courage and strength. 

Are you feeling anxious, sad or worrying more than usual?  Beat the odds the researchers report… reach out for support today.

End of a relationship?

When in ones life a significant change takes place you often hears the homily: “This is the first day of the rest of your life.”

A few years ago I met with a client who faced the loss of someone she loved due to enduring relational difficulties.  It felt abrupt and unexpected to her, but as we reviewed the events leading to their final moments together she realized that the erosion had be happening for longer than she had admitted.  The signs of erosion had been present, and she had not taken steps that were well within her repertoire to make the personal changes that might have brought about a different story.  During our first session she felt that the day of the breakup was really the LAST day of the rest of her life.  In those moments of pain and confusion she needed support and consoling, and help to maintain a hopeful orientation toward the future.  Yet over the next couple of weeks her question lingered:  Is it too late to keep my dreams alive by making the changes now  that I should have already made? 

The truth is that such “tipping points” in ones life can be both the last day and the first day of the rest of your life!  It can be the lastday of living life as if it is happening to you; living through a series of seemingly accidental and random events that are completely out of your control.   It can be the first day  of being intentional in your daily living if you seriously decide to be more mindful, and commit yourself to learning and practicing techniques to ensure that you treat each day with the honor and honestly you want as a dominant theme in your life.  No one can go back in time and change things that are now part of their history, but you can build a new future.  What you do today will make a difference tomorrow, and the accumulation of each day soon becomes a new and more acceptable past.

Remember, no one can do any better than strive to be a better person today  than they were yesterday.   Your starting place is relevant, but not the most important part of your transformation.  What matters is your steady progress and your fidelity to the values you hold most dear.  Tomorrow you will see that today has become your new history.  What kind of history shall it be?

When you decide that guidance and support in the process of change will be helpful, seek the expertise of a qualified mental health professional, and increase your chances of success through thoughtful reflection and illuminating insight.  You too can build a new more intentional approach to life, and get more of what you want.

Quick Decision Making with 10-10-10

A few days ago the morning news showed a short feature of Suzy
Welch’s “10-10-10” decision-making technique that perfectly matches what I have called “Tools for Intentional Living.”  The technique consists of asking these questions about any challenging decision you must make:

1. How will my decision effect my life in 10 minutes?

2.How will my decision effect my life in 10 months?

3. How will my decision effect my life in 10 years?

By asking these 3 questions you maybe able to quickly assess what might be the best decision for you to make.  Sometimes the immediate impact – the 10 minute answer – is so compelling that it dwarfs the other considerations.  In other circumstance the longer view will clearly show you what you really want to do and why.  This is a quick-use tool, and may not work in all circumstances, but if you want to bring a more intentional style to your decision-making, and ensure that you have considered the issue from these different perspectives, it could be a very helpful habit to adopt.   It simply requires that you take a little time to fully think through the issue, the options and the potential consequences over the arc of time, and that you are honest with yourself about those consequences.  Yes, you may have to sacrifice the loss that might occur during the time frame you do NOT favor, but at least you will know what is at stake and can then make a choice that later you will understand and probably be able to live with.

This week I had several pressing decisions to make, all of which seem relatively important.  But by using 10-10-10 I made a decision about the order of these tasks that will best suit my objectives.  And it took less than 10 minutes each time! 

Try it, and let me know if it works for you as well as it did for me.