Love is… an action.

I very often hear, in the course of couples counseling and individual therapy, that a client loves her or his husband/wife/partner.   In the middle of listing the particulars and illuminating the generalities of their persistent discord, one person or another will say: “I love him (or her) very much.”

What I ususally ask is: “Can you tell me when you last did a loving thing for her?”  Or, “Can you tell me when you last did something that was distinctly or even intentionally  NOT loving?”  I want to k now whether the “love” being professed is an abstract idea, as in “I love blueberry pie”, or if the person has learned that loving another person requires loving thoughts, loving feelings,  and loving deeds.  Without the latter, the person’s love may be invisible to her or his partner.

When asked my question, one person responded “Well, I carried the groceries inside last week.” , to which his wife replied, “Yes, and you ate them too!”  What we may think of as a “loving thing” is not necessarily perceived that way by our lover.  Are you curious and courageous enough to ask  about your own loving behavior?   Try it, and remember to just accept the answer without defending what’s you’ve done or explaining away what you haven’t.  Just listen and perhaps you will learn how to love even better.

Simply ask: “Have you felt that I’ve done some  loving thing in the past few days?  In the past week?”

See if your ideas about your loving self, and your loving behavior are visible, or invisible.  Then go about making your loving deeds so visible they shine.

Teens and money management

These days, with so many families and friends experiencing financial difficulties, money management skills are more of a topic than in the past.  Sadly, our schools are not doing of  job of teaching teens these skills at a formative time in their lives when ideas about earning, spending, saving and investing should be learned.  I have had teens in therapy who did not know how to use a checkbook and could not understand their parents’ worry about saving for a rainy day. 

Here are a few on-line sites that you can look at, and then depending upon your interests and intentions, recommend to your teen.

• It All Adds Up (www.italladdsup.org ) has interactive games and quizes to teach personal finance.
• Young Money (www.youngmoney.com ) has both an  on-line and a print version with articles on personal finance aimed at young adults.
• Girl Scouts Money Smarts (www.girlscouts.org/moneysmarts/default.htm ) is organized to teach girls financial literacy.

I suggest you start now with your teen.  Have discussions about financial literacy that are useful, informative and non-threatening.  Above all, try not to let the only time you raise an issue about finances be when you are rebuking your teen about not being thrifty or thoughtful about spending.  Learning what NOT to do is important, but even more helpful is learning what is the most financially smart thing to do, and how to know the difference.

Love is… a paradox.

To be held…

There are recurring themes in therapy.  Not surprisingly, discussions about “the nature of Love” are important for many clients.   Exploring each person’s assumptions, experiences, hopes and fears about Love is about as intriguing and compelling a therapy discussion as exists.  There is love of self, love of other, love of things, gentle love, stormy love, love captured and love lost.  Central to some ideal notions about Love is its “selflessness”… or so the lore goes.  But is it really so selfless?   I recently read a poem by Michelle Fergenson that speaks of Love in a most illuminating way.   I am posting it here for your reflection and pleasure.   Ms. Fergenson blogs on OpenSalon, so you can read more of her work there.   For now, savor her words and think of your own meanings for Love, and whether you could and should change those meanings, deep in the place wherein they reside.

 To be held, caressed and told I am good,

This is a short list of things that I need,

But you know that I will not demand them,

For love required is not love at all,

But currency. I want no quid pro quo!

I love to please more than I need pleasing.

Yet the Divine adores a paradox,

And designed us so we adore it too –

Each virtue walks with its measure of shame.

I’m not as good as you think I am; I

Embody the art of true selfishness:

I practice generosity so that,

God willing, it may be practiced on me.

                   The Paradox of Love by Michelle Fergenson

Bitterness as a mental disorder?

Have you, or someone you know, fallen into an enduring feeling of bitterness toward someone?  I don’t mean feeling somewhat “wronged” and so distancing from the person, but rather having a more pervasive and overwhelming feeling of deep resentment toward the other person and perhaps self- recrimination for having been vulnerable to them.

There are reports that the group of mental health experts who debate and construct the contents of the Diagnostics and Statistics Manual of Mental Disorders (used by all behavioral health providers and health plans) are recommending the inclusion of a new diagnosis: Post-traumatic Embitterment Disorder.  It would be described as a problematic (“pathological” in the lexicon of psychiatry) reaction to one negative life event.  Such events include having been deeply humiliated by someone resulting an emotional mixture is of depression, helplessness and hopelessness.

Dr. Michael Linden, who first proposed the new diagnosis, states that he also believes people may have increased possibilities for this experience during times of significant social change, including times of economic turmoil when people are “let go” from jobs they need and want, and lose important relationships (see my post dated 11/12/08: Grief-A Common Experience).  

There are both intensely personal and broadly impersonal experiences that can result in feelings of humiliation.  Humiliation, particularly if it is willfully inflicted by someone significant in the person’s work or social circle or by someone who is personally important is a particularly painful and enduring experience, and can result lasting emotional scars.  The traumatic effect is intensified considerably if the humiliation is witnessed by others, thus making it “public” and possible a source of shame.  Bitterness, itself enduring, might well be the predominant outcome.   While I strongly believe that care should be taken to not classify all or most difficult human emotional reactions as possible mental illnesses, any emotion that is both enduring and debilitating merits the full range of behavioral health activity:  investigation, identification, and treatment.  I will follow the development of this newly classified clinical problem with interest.

And above all,  let’s also work to create a world where there are fewer instances of such deep and lasting humiliation in the first place.  That would be so much better than having a new name for what it does to us.

Trauma: A hole in the soul.

I am republishing this post due to interest from some readers… to make it easier to find again.

Dr. Linda Schupp, a well-know expert and author on the subject of assessing and treating trauma, says that “Trauma creates a vacuum in the soul.”  For some people suffering from serious trauma, therapeutic interventions and support from personal relations may not be immediately effective.  Perseverance, kindness and self-care are of the utmost importance.

Having a relationship, professionally or personally, with a person who has such a huge hole in their soul can sometimes feel like all offerred positive regard and support (in the case of helping professionals), or love and affection (in the case of significant others, family and friends), can result in little change.  All efforts to fill that hole seem to be absorbed with no appreciable restorative impact.  As importantly, the support person themselves may develop emotional fatigue and even resentment from experiencing the emotional trauma of demeaning and destructive behavior from the person that seems to have no logical reason and no understandable justification.

It may take a relatively long time for praticitioners, partners, family members or friends to identify their own trauma symptoms, even after becoming aware that the person they seek to support and help heal is mistreating them.  This is in part due to the tendency to excuse the behavior, often resulting in an increased effort to show unconditional caring, and perhaps a belief that they are “exempt” from the abusive behavior the person employs as a coping strategy and defense mechanism to control their fear and anger.

A person with a history of trauma may in turn abuse anyone who shows caring, whether professional provider or loving friend, until the anger and abandonment he or she fears fractures the relationship, which then validates both the fears and the abusive behavior.  The destruction of the relationship may even be engineered by the person to test how strong the relationship really is, or to prove how fragile it is, and to fulfill their painfully distorted world-view.  The provider, or significant other, is then left with their own comparable “hole” in their soul.

Whether you are a professional mental health provider, or a partner/family member/friend of a person suffering from serious trauma, never underestimate the impact on you of trying care for a traumatized person… of trying to “fill their vacuum.”  You must recognize the signs of serious trauma, in the individual and in yourself, and take measures to protect your own soul (and perhaps your literal well-being) even as you strive to maintain the relationship, and thereby help yourself to survive emotionally and remain available and helpful to that person and others.

For a review of signs and symptoms of trauma, and some treatment ideas, I suggest Dr. Schupp’s book: ASSESSING AND TREATING TRAUMA AND PTSD.  It’s an easily read yet thorough review of the subject from a psychologist with both personal and professional experience with trauma and PTSD, and has a bibliography of excellent references.  I also suggest you attend one of her workshops, sponsored by PESI (www.pesi.com) A review of the full diagnostic criteria for trauma related disorders, listed in the DSM-IV-TR, is also recommended.

Some common symptoms that may be discernable by non-professionals include:

• Persistent dysphoria:  a gloomy outlook on most aspects of life.
• Chronic pre-occupation with death, suicide, images of pain or suffering, or symbols of doom.
• Self injury, often excused by blaming it on an altered state due to substances or alcohol, or on provocation by someone else.  These may be moderately dramatic injuries, or small but persistent wounds and bruises.
• Explosive or inhibited anger (can alternate between the two) often defined as ‘standing up for oneself’.
• Compulsive or inhibited sexuality (can alternate between the two) often used as punishment toward others.
• Expressions of “fate” or “pre-determination” as explanations for abusive or hateful behavior.

Above all:

1. Protect your own emotional well-being: make sure you maintain perspective, and that you have fun in your life even though the person may want you to feel guilty for doing so.
2. Be aware of your own “compassion fatigue”, and monitor yourself for it’s 3 stages: a) Exasperation b) Escape 3) Exhaustion
3. Forgive yourself when you are forced to disengage.  It is likely you will not succeed in the contest between “filling” their void and “falling” into it.
4. If you fall, trust that you will either land softly, or that you will grow wings!

Health Education at Kaiser

Are you being challenged by general health concerns, such as the need to improve your mobility or to stop smoking?  You may not know that your  local Kaiser Medical Center offers Health Education classes and that many on these classes are open to people who do not have Kaiser Healthplan insurance.   Some classes are free, while others have a minimal fee, such as $80 for 8 classes ($10 per class).  Examples of what is available include:

• Pilates: An Introduction (with a follow-up class also available)
• Awareness Through Movement: The Feldenkrais Method
• Grief and Bereavement Support Group
• T’ai Chi for Health
• Yoga for Health
• Quit Tobacco Workshop
• Sleep Better:  Master Insomnia

I tried locating the classes, and other resources on the Kaiser website at www.kp.org/healthyliving  .  They are there, but I had some difficulty finding them.  You can also call these phone numbers for  information, and perhaps have a resource guide mailed to you:

• Oakland Kaiser Health Education Center- (510) 752-6204
• Richmond Kaiser Health Education Center- (510) 307-2210

Most Kaiser Health Centers, such as in San Francisco, Pinole and Walnut Creek, also have very active health education programs.  Find the Kaiser near you can call for more information about these free and low-cost health education resources.   Remember, Wellness is most often a total experience:  mind, body and spirit.  These classes are low-cost, and sometimes joining others, such as in a Quit Smoking class, can provide that extra bit of inspiration and motivation you may need to help you make the change.

Revenge: is it really sweet?

Recent research reported in the June 2009 issue of Monitor On Psychology (published by the
American Psychological Association) looked at the experience of exacting revenge, or being prohibited from doing so.  The results may surprise you.

Many people believe they have been maliciously wronged by someone at some time in their lives.  And, most people believe that revenge will help them find a kind of “closure” with the distressing event. 

Kevin Carlsmith found what might be surprising results:

“The results suggest that, despite conventional wisdom, people – at least those with Westernized notions of revenge – are bad at predicting their emotional states following revenge, Carlsmith says. The reason revenge may stoke anger’s flames may lie in our ruminations.  When we don’t get revenge, we’re able to trivialize the events, he says.  We tell ourselves that because we didn’t act on our vengeful feelings, it wasn’t a big deal, so it’s easier to forget it and move on.  But when we do get revenge, we can no longer trivialize the situation.  Instead we think about it.  A lot.  Rather than providing closure, it does the opposite:  It keeps the wound open and fresh.”

If you harbor your own vengeful thoughts for wrongs done to you, perhaps you will re-think them, and find a way to let go, and move on, and save yourself the continuing turmoil and trauma that comes from dwelling on the ways to “get even.”  Just think of all of the positive, fun and self-affirming ways you could use your imagination!  Turn to the future, and live your life with an intention to fill your moments with better experiences, happier times, and people who care enough not to hurt you in the first place.

And that may be the best revenge of all.

To love, or not…

Just say “yes”!

All too often someone becomes focused on and even consumed by what’s commonly called “hard feelings.”  These feelings, when they endure, can become a kind of bitterness that dominates ones experience and perspective.  They can even turn into hate, stirring continual anger and ill will, and importantly, having more of a detrimental effect on the carrier than they do on the target.   If you hold such feelings about someone, carry a grudge, or are haunted by thoughts of wishing someone ill, then perhaps now is time to let it all go, and turn to feelings that are more generous and gracious – while there is still time.   Remember, loving isn’t easier than hating- it actually is much more challenging… but it’s infinitely more satisfying.

 Love and Hate

 I had no time to hate, because

The grave would hinder me,

And life was not so ample I

Could finish enmity.

Nor had I time to love, but since

Some industry must be,

The little toil of love, I thought

Was large enough for me.

                                     Emily  Dickinson

Though perhaps a cliché, it’s too true:  Life is short. 

Do something good with yours, that they might say, when your life is over, that you truly tried your best to love someone; even when it was hard to do.