The Anniversary of Emotional Pain

Sometimes our pain lingers, and pierces us again. 

 And again.

In my post on 2/15/09 I used Emily Dickinson’s poem The Storm to illuminate the anguish of lingering emotional pain.   I have worked with many clients whose struggles with anniversaries of painful events were so much more difficult for them than others could imagine.  

There was the mid 50’s, successful woman who, when she was five years old, her  father died on Christmas day.   Christmas would forever after be an overdone extravaganza and yet a quietly and deeply sorrowful day.  She loved the holiday season, yet always suffered silently as everyone around her laughed and opened gifts.

And there was the middle aged man whose lover had intentionally and deeply  humiliated him – to punish him – by having sex with his friend while saying hateful things about him- all done in front of him.  He loved her fiercely, even long after no longer seeing her and even as he suffered.  He could not forget the date nor the intense pain of the experience, and every year he was deeply depressed for weeks before and after the anniversary day.

The wounds we receive during our lifetime often stay with us long after they have sealed over on the surface and we have seemingly “moved on.”   The cliche that Time Heals All may however be more true than we can easily believe when one is in the throes of suffering.   The passage of time can bring balance and perspective, not so much by eclipsing the painful event but rather by allowing other more pleasant or affirming events to take place along side, becoming a larger and larger part of our life’s tapestry. 

Eventually these more positive events do outweigh the sharp piercing pains and reduce them to more distant, softer aches.  Ultimately they join the panoply of trials and tribulations that comprise a lifetime.

So as you meet and greet friends and strangers, remember that everyday may be someones sad anniversary day, and their inner pain is probably more difficult than you realize.

If today, July 31, or any other day is your anniversary of experiencing pain or shame try saying “Happy Anniversary” and “Good Bye” to those difficult memories.  If this is the anniversary of you giving someone else pain through privately punishing or publicly shaming, then find a way to make simple but sincere amends so that both of you may lift your eyes to a horizon free of the shadows of those moments.

And when you simply cannot move beyond those moments, seek help and support from a qualified professional so that your past does not become your future.

Letter for our children: On being parents.

Marian Wright Edelman wrote, in an open letter to her

children, sentiments that we could all embrace:

“I seek your forgiveness for all the times when I talked

when I should have listened; got angry when I should have

been patient; acted when I should have waited; feared

when I should have delighted; scolded when I should have

encouraged; criticized when I should have complemented;

said “No” when I should have said “Yes” and “Yes” when I

should have said “No”.

I did not know a whole lot about parenting, so I mistakenly

tried to mold you into my image of what I wanted you

to be instead of discovering you and nourishing you as you

emerged and grew.”

Try today to discover and nourish your children in the way that Ms. Edelman grew to understand would give them the loving support and guidance that they need and deserve.  Ms. Edelman became an inspiration to us all with her tireless pursuit of social justice and personal safety for all children.  We need not aspire to her heights in order to bring these loving ideals to the children we cherish.

You are not alone.

Perhaps the most common feeling brought into the therapy office is loneliness.  Each of  us, when faced with seemingly insurmountable challenges, feels as if we are alone in the experience, alienated from everyone around us by the depth and power of the pain.

What is difficult to remember is that all human beings, at some moments during their lifetime, experience similar pain:  the pain of loss, real or imagined; the pain of yearning, of knowing, of not knowing.  In this we are all brothers and sisters.

Break out of your isolation and feelings of being alone in your pain, or despair, or grief, or yearning.  Talk to a friend, get out and surround yourself with people who are busy living life, and make ann appointment with a qualified mental health professional.  In this way you can balance your challenging feelings with hopefulness and an intention to make positive changes in your life.

“Bridging” – by Marge Piercy

In my last post, “I Just Start Crying for No Reason,” I referenced a poem that I’ve loved for years.  I was asked by several people about the poem, and suggested they read Marge Piercy for more, but for your interest, here is the entire poem. 

Bridging

Being together is knowing

Even if what we know

is that we cannot really be together

caught in the teeth of the machinery

of the wrong moments of our lives.

A clear umbilicus

goes out invisibly between,

thread we spin fluid and finer than hair

but strong enought to hang a bridge on.

That bridge will be there

a blacklight rainbow arching out of your skull

whenever you need

whenever you can open your eyes and want

to walk upon it.

Nobody can live on a bridge

or plant potatoes

but it is fine for comings and goings.

meetings,  partings and long views

and a real connection to someplace else

where you may

in the crazy weathers of struggle

now and again want to be.

 

 

“Space for Rent” – are you renting space in your head?

There is a saying, popular among Alcoholics Anonymous proponents, that when one pays more attention to the issues others have than to ones own life challenges, that you are “renting space in you head” for them to store their troubles with you – so they can sleep like a baby while you sit up worrying about what they’re doing and why.  Or with whom.

Perhaps its time to take down your “For Rent” sign, and focus your time and intentions on the positive aspects of your life:  the health and well-being of yourself, those you love and who love you, and the world in general.  Though a trite question when we are immersed in the swirl of our ever expanding social and professional concerns, it’s still worth asking:  If this were my last few days on earth, how would I spend them?  And what am I doing that I would stop doing?

Don’t wait.  What really are you waiting for?  Move into the positive, and begin to re-create your dreams with all of your “head space” available for the task.   It will leave more room for dreaming of a better tomorrow, and for planning to make your dreams come true.