Living from Peak to Pique

It’s not always easy to relax into love within the ups and downs of relationships. 

It’s completely expected that relationships, whether between family members, friends, spouses or lovers, will have moments when they seem to embody the height of mutual affection, respect and generosity.   And then in most relationships there also are moments of frustration and annoyance.  For relationships to grow and to last beyond moderate (though distressing) ups and downs each person must maintain empathy for the feelings of the other and remain aware of their own contribution to the development of problems as well as their more immediate impact on their friend/spouse/lover.  Most of the time we manage to at least “muddle through” the difficult times, maintain moderation, and keep our dear ones sufficiently close to eventually enjoy the next peak in the relationship.

Sometimes however things become more volatile.  The peaks are exceptionally high, overflowing with unmanageable intensity, while the valleys – moments of “pique” – are can be times of deep conflict and harsh recrimination punctuated by angry outbursts and/or sulking silence.  This “peak to pique” experience can be exhausting and even scary in its unpredictability of onset and outcome.   It becomes increasingly difficult to maintain individual dignity and a sense of self-worth in these kinds of relationships.  More often than not, without supportive assistance in confronting the turmoil and changing the emotional terrain, these volatile relationships fly apart, leaving both partners confused and hurt and often angry.

    If you and your partner are riding a roller-coaster relationship, it may be time to seek couples counseling and discover new ways to talk, to listen, and to tame the peaks… and the piques. 

 

Giving Thanks

           

This is a time when people gather to share their thankfulness for the gifts of love, small and large, that they’ve received during their lifetime.  Sometimes the loud voices and laughter hides the tears that sit silently beneath the smiles.

 Thanksgiving can be a good and gracious day of reunion and re-affirmation, yet also can be a difficult time, when you imagine that everyone else is in the midst of the most joyous celebration while you are quietly aware that your life is not everything you’d hoped it would be.

It may be a time when people are gathered to toast and taste, while you or someone else feel lonely in the group of revelers.   Difficult moments and interactions can arise when hopes for an easy and enjoyable day are dashed by unmet expectations and disappointing interactions.  It might also be that you are spending this day alone and feeling the depth of great loneliness while the public images of loving families and friends are displayed everywhere around you.

Whatever your circumstance, if you find yourself with a bubble of tears beneath your smile, try to remember to simply accept the fellowship that is available without needing more than others can give.  Try to in fact ‘Give Thanks” for the gifts that you’ve received during your lifetime.  Look for what has worked, who has made you laugh, who has stirred your imagination or soothed your sadness over the years, and offer sincere thanks, to those who have made a positive contribution to your life, whether or not they are present. 

Thank you for reading my blog.  I appreciate your time, and  I consider your reading as a true gift.

Thanksgiving Dinner and Dissent

Thanksgiving is of course the time when family and friends gather to celebrate their relationships and to give thanks for the good things in life.  It sometimes however is also a time of strife.  Family members and friends who have not interacted recently sometimes find themselves disturbed by conversations or behaviors that emerge among their dinner companions, especially when alcohol is served and inhibitions are lowered.  Old unresolved conflicts may surface or new conflicts may erupt, and dinner partners can unintentionally, or intentionally, antagonize each other.  Expectations for having a pleasant or even joyous dinner can be disrupted, creating resentment, disappointment and anger.   Finally, the day after can then feel like a “let-down,” leaving some dinner participants with feelings of rejection and alienation. 

Therapist who are working with clients who have existing family conflicts can work with the client to “inoculate” them against broken expectations and help them to enter into the social event with an intention of putting conflicts aside for the day.  Having realistic expectations and then participating in Thanksgiving events with a clear intention of promoting positive interactions will help to make the day pleasant, even in the face of past or current provocative events. 

Lastly, perhaps it’s time for all of us to use Thanksgiving to move beyond “thankfulness.”  Being thankful is indeed an honorable feeling, an inner experience of recognition, reconciliation and contentment.  What brings thankfulness to life however, making it a shared experience, is when it is expressed towards others as “gratitude.” 

Gratitude, a behavior, expresses our feelings of thankfulness toward others, and encourages others to do the same. 

I hope you all have a day of thankfulness, and find ways to show gratitude toward those who have contributed to you their love, support, time, resources and good will.

Leaping into life.

Are you feeling trapped by difficult circumstances?  Have you lost your adventurous spirit, and so find yourself “sitting out” opportunities to enjoy yourself?

Feeling as though you have no options can rob you of your inner vitality and prevent you from maintaining the confidence to make changes.  If nothing is working, perhaps do don’t have much to lose by lifting your eyes to possibilities that may exist but are invisible until you ready yourself to start something new.  It may mean changing things that have become habits, or engaging in activities you’ve put on hold for too long. 

It probably also will mean that you have to endure some initial discomfort as you embrace the unfamiliar, so expect to feel some anxiety as you turn away from the relative comfort of familiar faces and places to find those new opportunities.

Still, if the familiar is not making you happy, why not take the leap?  Contact a qualified therapist to explore the changes that may be available to you.

Losing the light, losing your lightness.

Are you feeling winter blues?  For many people the change from Daylight Savings Time and the resulting darkness when we leave for work and when we return home can begin to cause a slow downward spiral into an inner darkness.

For people who suffer from Major Depression or BiPolar Disorder, there often is a Seasonal Pattern that can be identified and anticipated.  For others, even without such a diagnosis, there can still be a seasonal aspect to one’s sense of well-being.  If you are experiencing what feels like a seasonal drop in your spirits, consider planning specific activities to help you cope.  These could be making outdoor plans on any days when you are not required to be inside; going for hikes, strolling interesting streets where you can window shop and stop for coffee where there is outdoor seating, or doing some winter gardening. 

 Adding even just a little more sunlight to your week may have more of a positive effect than you think. 

Don’t let the season of darkness and soft light steal your inner sunshine.

The Sting of Missing Someone You Love

Missing someone you love, especially when you don’t know when will be the next time you get to see them, can be deeply yet invisibly painful. 

This can happen when a loved is gone because she or he is deployed on military duty, because of incarceration, or when the need to separate  is one-sided and the one you love simply needs time and space away.  Enduring the loneliness and fear of these kinds of separations is very difficult, and sometimes, though it quietly burns inside, too awful to put into words.  If you are separated from a loved-one, and suffering from moments of intense loneliness, consider seeking support from a qualified psychotherapist.  And remember that you are not alone.  Emily Dickinson used her sparse and elegant poetry to express this special kind of loneliness and the sting of not knowing when it might end:

If you were coming in the fall,

I’d brush the summer by

With half a smile and half a spurn,

As housewives do a fly.

If I could see you in a year,

I’d wind the months in balls,

And put them each in separate drawers,

Until their time befalls.

If only centuries delayed,

I’d count them on my hand,

Subtracting till my fingers dropped

Into Van Diemen’s land.

If certain, when this life was out,

That yours and mine, should be,

I’d toss it yonder, like a rind,

And taste eternity.

But now, uncertain of the length

Of time’s uncertain wing,

It goads me, like the goblin bee,

That will not state its sting.

If you are feeling alone, and longing for a certain someone, seeking professional support can help you face your feelings and perhaps find a sense of purpose that is missing.  

There’s no need to wait until Fall.  There’s no need to wait at all. 

Got Butterflies?

The process known as metamorphosis is one of the most amazing in nature.  It’s also the reason that butterflies are a symbol for dramatic and poignant personal change.  

We can sometimes feel that making changes is just not worth the bother and so stall and avoid any hint of it… or conversely we may feel that things have changed without our consent and that we can barely endure the results.  Still others may be diligently or even desperately searching  for changes that can make their lives more fulfilled.  No matter which challenge you may be facing, it’s very common that the process of change feels somewhat unsettling and uncertain.  Nature constantly shows us that everything around us changes, sometimes slowly and sometimes rapidly, sometimes for the better and sometimes not.  One thing we can learn from watching how it’s done in the natural world is that there is a period of stillness between states… a time of rest between bursts of activity.  Witness the butterfly, once a caterpillar, that enters a cocoon between times.  Then, having gathered itself to become something new, emerges to dance in the wind and seek sweet nectar.

So too you can accept that between times as you move, and morph, from one way of being to another, there must be a time of rest.  And perhaps then you can be patient with yourself and others as you work toward and await the changes you will achieve.  Those changes will come with time, with practicing intentional living, and perhaps with help.                                             

 Break out of your cocoon, and find the nectar in your life.

Call a qualified therapist today.        

Improve you work experience and environment- Read the Showkeir’s “Authentic Conversations”

Maren and Jamie Showkeir’s seminal book on improving communication in the work place, Authentic Conversations: Moving from Manipulation to Truth and Commitment, recently received a glowing review in the online business zine bnet.  The link to the review of the Showkeirs’ very informative and well-written book is below. 

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa5383/is_200907/ai_n39231112/?tag=content;col1

I recommend this book to anyone seeking to create a successful and inspirational work environment for themselves, their co-workers and their employees. 

You can read an excerpt from their book by clicking on the link below:

Authentic-Conversations:-Moving-from-Manipulation-

You can learn more about the Showkeirs at www.henning-showkeir.com

I know that once you’ve read this serious yet accessible book you’ll feel both informed and inspired.