Reducing Conflict Through Strategic Talk

A technique known as V-C-R helps to keep conflicted conversations on a positive path.

I first heard this technique proposed by Dr. Ken Hardy, Professor of Family Therapy at Syracuse University.   I had arranged for him to do a presentation for a group of agency treatment staff.   Then later as I walked with him along San Francisco’s Market Street, we talked about this simple yet effective method for working through a conflict.  His idea was to use a specific yet flexible format to help frame conversations where there is a conflict that threatens to overwhelm the good intentions of either or both of the participants.   The technique is effective in many interpersonal situations both at home and at work.  V-C-R  goes like this:

V – stands for VALIDATE   This means that the first thing we will say is something to validate the other person’s feelings and experience.  This does not mean that you agree with what he or she is saying, but only that you understand what they are saying and you can see that they feel very strongly about it.

C – stands for CLARIFY   This means that you will clarify for the other person the differences between what they are thinking and/or feeling, and what you are thinking and feeling.  You will not “put down” their perspective, but simply show how theirs and yours differ.

R – stands for REQUEST   This is when you will offer a (hopefully) compromising resolution as a possible option to the polarized positions to which you each had been clinging.   The door is then opened for the mutual reconsideration and moderation of each person’s expectations and demands.

V-C-R sounds like this:  

• “I can see that  you are upset about how I’ve been spending money because you want to make sure that our finances are safe and secure for the things we really need.  I’d like you to know that I’m also concerned about our finances being secure because I worry about the emotional stress on both of us when our bank account begins to get low.  Why don’t we do something that will help both of us feel confident about what’s going on, like doing a budget to get a clearer picture of our expenses and then making a plan to divide the extra into savings and recreation?

• “I do understand that you feel I spend too much time on the computer, and that it takes time away from us being together.  I want you to know that I also think it’s important for us to spend enjoyable time together.  I also hope you understand that I need to use the computer to promote my business and support my work.  Why don’t we try this as a solution:  I will keep a log of my computer time and whether the time is spent on work or personal interests.  That way I can get a more realistic picture of how I’m using my time.”

Learning and practicing V-C-R can help you to avoid or resolve misunderstandings before they turn into full conflicts.

For an in-depth view of additional tips and techniques for effective communication, read Authentic Conversations by Jamie Showkeir and Maren Showkeir, and visit their website at www.henning-showkeir.com

Stop, Look, and Listen.

Sometimes people around us give us important messages in the most gentle of ways, and sometimes we are too busy or too noisy or too self-absorbed to listen!

I often tell clients what my grandmother used to say (and she really did):

“You were given 2 eyes, 2 ears and 1 mouth.  That should give you an idea about what was intended!”

Developing the skills for receptive communication and staying curious about the people and the world around you will allow you to hear the tips, hints and soft suggestions that come your way.  Often the people around us who care about our well-being will offer perspectives and opinions meant to help us take a broader view of situations we are facing.  If you can take the time to listen then perhaps you will not need to endure the shouting that happens when you ignore the whisper.

If you know you need to improve your receptive communication skills,

consider contacting a therapist for reflective growth-oriented conversations that are easy on the ears.

Celebrate and Learn: it’s African-American History Month.

 February is African-American history month.

Learn more about the social and cultural history of African-Americans, including contributions made by notable figures that you may not know about.  Cut and paste these links into  your browser. 

 

African-American History Month: 

           http://www.africanamericanhistorymonth.gov/

Black History Month with biographies:

    http://www.biography.com/blackhistory/

101 Fast Facts:

    http://www.biography.com/blackhistory/101-facts-inventions.jsp

                                      

Valentines: 1, 2, 3 or more….

Of all holidays, Valentine’s Day is one that is especially hard on people who are not involved in a romantic relationship. 

          There is almost no concession made for single people in this over-blown celebration of couple-dom.   Even those who are not looking for, and are not in need of a romantic relationship may, on this day, feel somewhat alone and bereft.   In a society where the “lone hero” and the “unattached adventurer”  are extolled in nearly every popular movie, these who walk a solo path are made to feel that they are invisible on Valentine’s Day.

In recognition of the marketing possibilities, the greeting card companies now have Valentine cards pre-addressed to nearly every possible person in someone’s life.   For some of my clients however, who are not now in romantic relationships, these friend and relative greeting cards only serve to highlight their status as single.   In addition, the strong push on candy provides little alternative for so many people who really need to monitor their sugar intake.

Yesterday I saw that some of the larger drug store chains now have “gift advisors” to help customers load up on all manner of Valentine candy and trinkets.

Don’t misunderstand me… I think it’s wonderful to celebrate one’s romance.  And it’s also wonderful to know you want romance in your life and open yourself to the possibilities.  Yet we should have a tender thought and loving word for those among us who as yet do not have a romance warming their heart.

And give a smile of support for those who by choice are happy, and plenty warm, with the beating of one heart alone! 

   Happy Valentine’s Day to all.

Do you have a drinking problem? Use this quick test to find out.

This post is being republished due to recent conversations I’ve had both in and outside of my office.

Do you drink alcohol?  If so, do you manage it easily and safely, or do you have a drinking problem? Social drinking (no more than 2 drinks a day for men and 1 drink a day for women) is widely practiced and accepted, and according to some researchers even may reduce the risk of coronary disease.  A “drink” should be considered as 12 ounces of beer, 5 ounces of wine or 1.5 ounces (one shot) of liquor. Many people however have a problem with alcohol that threatens their health, relationships and employment, and may endanger or distress other people.  Counting drinks on a daily basis may not give you a clear understanding of the impact of alcohol in your life or on others around you, so along with counting drinks a broader view is necessary.  Some signs of problems drinking include: Becoming moody or argumentative after drinking; Drinking more for the same effect; Drinking alone; Drinking to cope with issues such as loneliness, or discontent with ones partner or job; Drinking to ward  off depression or anxiety; Mishandling daily affairs or relationships; Forgetting events that occur while drinking; Discovering that former friends are staying away from you because of your drinking.

The Alcohol Use Disorders Indentification Test (AUDIT) was developed by the World Health Organiztion of provide a simple screening tool.  It can be used by anyone to help decide if you or someone you know might need a more thorough assessment for problem drinking.

To take the AUDIT  just answer each question with the honest number of 1, 2, 3 or 4 (**questions #9 and #10 can be scored only with a zero, a two or a four).  Remember, not being honest with yourself as you answer the questions may be a sign that you have a drinking problem you are afraid to face.

1.  How often do you have a drink containing alcohol? 0 (never)/1 (monthly or less)/2 (two to three times per month)/3 (two to three times per week)/ 4 (four or more times per week) 

2. How many drinks do you have on a typical day when you are drinking? 0 (none)/ 1 (one or two)/ 2 (three or four)/ 3 (five or six)/ 4 (seven to nine) ** Score 5 points if your response is ten or more drinks on a typical day.

3.How often do you have more than three drinks (women) or more than five drinks (men) on one occasion.  0 (never)/ 1 (less than monthly)/ 2 (monthly)/ 3 (weekly)/ 4 (daily or almost daily)

4. How often during the last year have you found that you were unable to stop drinking once you had started? 0 (never)/ 1 (less than monthly)/ 2 (monthly)/ 3 (weekly)/ 4 (daily or almost daily)

5. How often during the last year have you failed to do what was expected from you [not going to work or school, ignoring relationship, medical or legal expectations] because of drinking? 0 (never)/ 1 (less than monthly)/ 2 (monthly)/ 3 (weekly)/ 4 (daily or almost daily)

6. How often during the last year have you needed a first drink in the morning to get yourself going after a heavy drinking session? 0 (never)/ 1 (less than monthly)/ 2 (monthly)/ 3 (weekly)/ 4 (daily or almost daily)

7. How often during the last year have you had a feeling of guilt or remorse [for your behavior or for drinking itself) after drinking? 0 (never)/ 1 (less than monthly)/ 2 (monthly)/ 3 (weekly)/ 4 (daily or almost daily)

8. How often during the last year have you been unable to remember what happened the night before because you had been drinking? 0 (never)/ 1 (less than monthly)/ 2 (monthly)/ 3 (weekly)/ 4 (daily or almost daily)

9. Have you or someone else been injured [intentional or not, self-inflicted or from another] as a result of your drinking [and/or while drinking]?  0 (never)/ (no score of “1” -skip to score two)/2 (yes, but not in the last year)/ (no score of “3”- skip to score 4)/ 4 (yes, during the last year)

10. Has a relative, doctor or other health worker been concerned about your drinking or suggested you cut down? 0 (never)/ (no score of “1” -skip to score two)/2 (yes, but not in the last year)/ (no score of “3”- skip to score 4)/ 4 (yes, during the last year)

Add up the numbers for the ten questions to get your score.  A score of 8 or more indicates possible problem drinking and the need for a more thorough assessment.  If your score indicates the need for an assessment, you should consult a qualified health provider to discuss your drinking and the possible treatments that are available to you.   If your total score is less than eight but more than four, it would be advisable to consider how you are using alcohol, and ask someone close to you if they believe you are a problem drinker.  If your score is less than four, you are probably using alcohol responsibly, and can simply be mindful of any changes in your use or in the results of your drinking.

Happy Birthday, except…

Birthdays Wishes came from nearly everyone…

except her.

My client said he was a little too sad to really celebrate the day, but said he’d managed to smile and chat with everyone during the impromptu party that some friends had organized.   He didn’t want to “talk” about it though.  He only wanted to tell me that he’d missed seeing her smoky eyes and mischievous smile when he looked at the group singing to him.  In the past she’d made his birthday feel so special.

And then he talked about it.   And the pain, disappointment and emotional turmoil was suddenly there, bouncing around with seemingly no place to go, like a flight of colorful balloons.

This is how it sometimes goes in therapy.  It’s a time and place where you can say something – everything – you didn’t want to say.  And see something about yourself that you didn’t want to see.  And… more often than not, at sometime during the process, you feel a new sense of quiet satisfaction in your self-discovery.  A feeling that indeed you’ve reached and stepped beyond a milestone into a new understanding and a new kind of promise.   That there is much before you to be embraced, enjoyed and even celebrated. Then the “Happy Birthday” song – and all that goes with it – begins to take on new meaning. 

During the time he was in therapy he never again heard from her, but he did celebrate his next birthday with lighter spirit and a soft, musical memory of her.   He even danced.

7 TIPS for Self-Care.

TRY THESE SEVEN TIPS TO IMPROVE YOUR OVERALL HEALTH AND WELLNESS.

Each day for 1 week, carefully consider one of these “tips” and ask yourself how you can better bring it into you daily life.

1. Maintain nutritional eating habits- monitor and regulate your use of sugar and caffeine.  Be especially careful of your alcohol intake, and if you smoke, stop!

2. Restful sleep- develop effective pre sleep habits and practice moments of relaxation during the day.

3. Get some exercise- especially cardio enhancing exercise.  Go for a vigorous walk regularly, or get out your bicycle.

4. Plan activities for relaxation and fun. Be intentional, rather than passive, about playing.  Children don’t just play because they have energy.  They also have energy because they play.

5. Grow a support system – try to connect with friends who are emotionally encouraging and intellectually stimulating.  Ask “doomsayers” to leave you out of that part of their repertoire.

6. Learn to say “NO” – limit your activities to a level that can be accomplished.  Try not to over extend yourself to the breaking point and thereby expose yourself to exhaustion and continuous disappointment.  Reach beyond your capacity when you have the physical and emotional reserves to endure the journey.

7. Consider new perspectives and ideas about the world around you and your place in it- being able to change your mind and your attitude is important to your resiliency.  When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.  

 

HAVE A GREAT WEEK!