In Flander’s fields…

Honor those who have fallen,

no matter where you stand.

Today is a day of remembrance of those who died in US military service.  For their families and friends, we can take a moment to stand silently and reflect on the sacrifice made, and the debt owed. 

It’s not about politics today.  It’s about honoring those who gave the ultimate so secure our way of life, whether or not you wanted them to.

 

And though ideas and ideology, life style and world view may separate us, we can also  recognize and be grateful for the gifts we share as fellow citizens.  Why do you think so many others from so many countries seek to be here?   Yes, we are fortunate.  And in no small measure our good fortune is due to the sacrifices of a few.  This is their day.

 

 If you’ve lost a loved one or friend in past or recent wars, and still feel the pain of that loss in a way that has become too difficult to live with, call a qualified psychotherapist to work toward living with your loss rather than only surviving without him or her.

Quotes for Intentional Living -5/29/10

Quote for Intentional Living

“I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people:  that each protects the solitude of the other.”

Rainer Maria Rilke

 

… but the slipper didn’t fit.

“She acted like a total princess…

 and my only choice was to be either a prince or a court jester!”

 

This is what my client, describing the reasons for his divorce, told me about his former wife.  While the story soon became more complete , it was helpful to hear his description of what it was like to feel restricted in the relationship roles that were available to him due to her need, as he described her, to be seen as both special and central to any partner’s life. 

Many times in the course of providing relationship counseling I hear this story with different descriptions of the roles, and the parts being played assigned to different partners.  Often this results in the same frustrations as this client experienced, and then sometimes both partners are quite happy with well-defined and even confining roles, and their challenges lay elsewhere.   

If in your relationship you are feeling held in one or two roles that feel constricting, it might be time to discuss with your partner seeing a therapist together, to help lighten and enliven your connection with each other.  And, you can ask yourself if you might be, with the best of intentions, restricting your partner is a way that prevents her or his full growth and full contentment.  It’s OK to be princess and prince, or even court jester, if by choice and if other options are available.

Can’t quite figure it out, or can’t find a way to expand and enjoy the roles you each play in your relationship? 

Call today for an appointment to illuminate and explore the possibilities.

 

 

Distant Lover? Keep it fresh!

 Long Distance love can be challenging.

If you are involved in a relationship that reaches across a distance, you know how difficult, frustrating, and sometimes worrisome it can be.  It will not do to simply use the method and style of connecting that works when you are physically with each other.  Special care is needed to keep the flame of your romance stoked over the miles that separate you from your lover. 

These Tools for Intentional Living may help you to sustain and even strengthen your connection with your distant lover.

 

*   Clarify the kind of relationship you want to have.  Whether a part-time romance, a friendship with occasional passion-driven “benefits”, or a long-term committed partnership, your particular relationship should be mutually understood so that both of you can adopt the behaviors that will nourish and sustain it.

*   Be patient with each other.  There will be moments when you want to talk with your partner but cannot immediately reach her or him.  There will times when she or he is not on the same “emotional page” as you when you do connect because you have been having different experiences during the previous hours or days.  It’s important to use patience and to not expect that your long-distance love is constantly in tune with you.

*   Use multiple ways to connect and communicate.  Prepare yourselves with the tools and gadgets and technical skill to use several different methods to stay in touch.  Telephone, e/mail, mobile texting with attached photos and social networking sites like FaceBook can all be used to create a varied communication experience.  Try conventional “snail mail” to give your long-distance lover a fun surprise and a tangible gift of your thoughts.

*   Plan to meet as often as possible.  If it’s possible for you, or both of you, to travel, make plans to meet as often as possible.  Sometimes meeting “in the middle” at places neither of you has visited can add a sense of adventure to your times together.

*   Have something to share while you’re apart.  Try reading a book together, which will give you something in common to talk about other that how much you miss each other.  You can also share on-line games like Scrabble (even available on your iPhone) that help maintain a feeling that you both are working on the same thing.

*   Surprise your partner with a gift.  Something that she or he can hold and see, and perhaps carry with them, can be a powerful talisman for the endurance of your relationship.  Don’t depend on one such gift to last for months and months.  Keep it fresh by unexpectedly sending another, maybe with a touch of your favorite perfume or cologne added for spice!

Above all, let your caring and desire fuel your imagination as you intentionally stoke the fires of your long-distance love.

 

      

Quotes for Intentional Living – 5/22/10

Quote for Intentional Living

 

“Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power.  We have guided missiles and misguided men.”

                      Martin Luther King, Jr.

T-minus 7 months… and holding.

“Houston, we have a problem!” 

It’s that time of year again, when teens are facing the challenging transition from high school life to life as a post- high school young adult.  Many are already “here and gone”, dreaming of their life as a freshman college student far from, and free from their parents.  And yet…

In my psychotherapy practice, often beginning just before or after the Christmas holiday season, I see numerous high school seniors who are having escalating conflicts with their parents.  The teens are beginning to feel and express their sense of independence and self-determination, while the parents are uncertain and skeptical of their child’s capacity to regulate and control their own behavior.  

What I hear from parents: “She stayed out until 3 am last week.”  “He went to a party and came home smelling of alcohol.” 

What I hear from teens:  “They’ll never lighten up.”  “It doesn’t matter what they say, in a couple of months I’m free.”

The problem?  No pre-lauch program was put into place!  Unable to tolerate experiencing their younger teenagers minor transgressions, some parents have restricted their younger teens from age-appropriate behavior, and their older teens from healthy and normal experimentation with young adult activities and so now both the parents and the “transitional aged youth” face the precipice of jumping into the world of free choice with no experience that can help to strengthen their judgment and moderate their conduct.   I asked one young woman (aged 17 1/2) who was leaving for a college that is 3,000 miles away, if she was really ready to be on her own this way.  She replied, “I don’t know, and yes, I’m a little worried, but my folks would never let me make my own decisions so now I guess I have to figure it out without them or anyone else to help me.”

Tip to parents of late-age teens:  HAVE A PLAN FOR LAUNCHING! Make a timeline of incremental increases in personal freedom and responsibility that begins by age 15 1/2 and goes through age 17 1/2, so that neither you nor your child find yourselves staring a the precipice with no idea if he or she has grown wings.

If you need support and assistance is adopting a perspective that might help them fly, call today for an appointment.

 

Thanks, but no thanks.

“It happened for a reason.”

 How many times have you heard it… or even said it yourself?  Someone has a calamitous event befall, and in an effort to cheer them up, cheer them on, someone will say that it’s a gift that will teach them about themselves.  Or perhaps that it will make them stronger, or a better person.

It’s partly true of course.  Unfortunate events can hold within them lessons from which we might draw insight and determination to make better decisions and live a better life.  But that doesn’t a blessing make.  In the words of Micheal J. Fox, currently struggling with Parkinson’s Disease, some people may want to see it as a gift, sure, but it’s “the gift that keeps on taking.”

If you  have the chance to support and console a friend who has had a difficult circumstance befall, it’s a wonderful thing to offer hope and to urge him or her to find a way to use the experience in a positive way; but it’s not helpful to simply re-cast the situation as a splendid gift!  Better to admit you would not want it to happen to you, and connect with the pain and sadness in a genuine and authentic way.  Far from demoralizing the person, acknowledging that no one would want such an event in their lives will let your friend or loved-one know that you actually do understand.

If you would speak of gifts, be the gift you speak of.

Quotes for Intentional Living – 5/15/10

 

Quote for Intentional Living

 

“There are those that look at things the way they are, and ask ‘Why?’

I dream of things that never were and ask ‘Why not?'”

                          Robert F. Kennedy

Sad Awakenings.

The past and the present converged in the most unlikely way…

My client was in therapy to talk about how to tolerate, and maybe help, a severely alcoholic sister.  He was alternately angry and resentful about his sister’s selfish and dangerous behavior, and about the way it tore the family apart.  He had only recently realized how damaged, and damaging she was.
Then the session took a turn in a completely new direction.  We’d been talking about times in life when your eyes are opened to unspeakable truths, truths you had not imagined, and he told me a story.

It seems that when he was about 10 years old he had witness a Ku Klux Klan rally, and had seen a man that he knew, a man who was prominent in their community, marching at the front of the hateful procession yelling epithets and threats about the African-Americans in the community.  He had been frightened and angry, and uncertain of what if anything he, a young Caucasian boy, should or could do.  He knew he disagreed with the Klan’s rhetoric, and wondered why they so hated African-Americans and wanted them gone from their town.  The Klan members finally left and he wandered away with some friends.

Later he and  his friends were standing on a corner when this same man drove up and stopped in front of them.  He leaned over toward the passenger window where the boys were standing looking at him warily, and he said to them “Hey boys, do you know where i can get me a good, clean colored girl?”  Nobody moved or spoke, and he laughed and drove away.  They understood what he was looking for and simply could not put this day’s experience together in a neatly understood package.

There are moments in life when the truth of another, absurd yet painfully real world is burned into our consciousness, leaving an indelible imprint that sits upon our souls the way a tattoo sits upon our skin.  This had been such a moment for my client, and though I wasn’t there, it became one for me as well.

We spent many hours talking about his life, with and without his sister.  He learned better coping skills, and also made some decisions about how to help his sister confront her alcoholism and yet not subject himself to her sometimes volatile behavior.  

But always I knew the story of the Klansman sat just behind his eyes, and reminded him of how we can endure yet be forever affected by events and people in our life. 

We all carry the memories, good and bad with us, each day and into our future.  Sometime our memories collide, leaving us wondering about “the way of things”,  how we came to be where we are, and how we will move to our next rightful place.  And we all ultimately choose which memories we will use to light our way.  If you need help in finding the path, and sorting through the memories, that will take you toward personal growth and fulfillment – and perhaps even offer hope to others as well, then make an appointment with a qualified therapist today.

You can use your life experiences, and your memories of them, to make a better world for yourself and others.

Mother.

Mother’s Day almost always touches us deeply.

Like so many other people, the clients I see in my psychotherapy practice have deep feelings about their moms.   Most often the feelings are a potpourri of warm and tender memories mixed with small regrets, perhaps for having been a difficult teenager or maybe because they are separated from their moms by more miles than are easily traveled. 

Sometimes there are more difficult, complex or confused feelings brought on by long-time conflict or strong differences in world view or life style that are blended into the love that lives between and within them.

And then sometimes there is the simple yet piercing  hollowness of missing her.  The person cannot be with her or his mom because she is deceased,  having been taken by nature or by violence.  Perhaps she is suffering from an incapacitating disease like Dementia that renders her nearly as unreachable as does the silence of the grave.  For each, and all of these circumstances there remains the purest kind of connection… that of mother and child; and also therefore the purest kind of experience.

For each and every client I who I have seen in psychotherapy or counseling, for so many reasons, the thought of “mother” had a powerful resonance.   And so, on Mother’s Day each year, I think of friends and their mothers, I think of the mothers, and their children, that I have seen in my office, and I think of my own mother with awe at the power of that relationship.

 

If you want, or need, to talk about your mother, in celebration or despair or both, contact me or another qualified therapist and begin today.