Out with the old?

  Every year I see several new clients just before – or after – the New Year holiday. Usually there is a complex mixture of hope and regret in the initial meetings. 

Several years ago a young woman came in for her first session several days after the parties were all over, and revealed her betrayal of her lover by enticing him into a menage a trois then pointedly rejecting only him when things progressed to nakedness.  She’d completed the act with her lover’s friend while taunting her partner, revelling in hurting him.  Later she realized how very hateful it had been and now wanted to talk about her unforgivable behavior. 

Similarly a male client requested an appointment before the New Year’s Eve celebration, wanting help in avoiding the repetition of his indiscrete behavior at an office party the year before.  He had drunkenly danced as if at a night club, seriously damaging his promotional opportunities.

In both cases, the over-use of alcohol had been a prominent feature the loss of judgement.  Both clients wanted to talk about how to change their behavior in these kinds of circumstances so that they could maintain their self-control and be more cognizant of their behavior as well as their impact on others. 

First we needed to do a thorough assessment of each client’s alcohol abuse, and to develop and try some strategies for abstinence (for her) and harm reduction (for him).  Then with each client I began to address the memories, hopes, fears, and intentions that emerged in our many conversations.  More than a year later each client felt more aware of and in control of their impulses.  The young woman even thought she might be ready to apologize to her former lover for her betrayal.

If you or someone you love is in need of support and encouragement to make meaningful personal changes, it could be that a few simple New Year’s resolutions won’t go far enough.  Consider contacting a therapist, and engaging in the process of achieving meaningful and lasting change that could help you to build and maintain relationships in both your personal and your professional life.

And may you have a happier new year, all through the year, in 2011. 

Quote for Intentional Living 12/25/10

Quote for Intentional Living

Remember
This December,
That love weighs more than gold!

Josephine Dodge Daskam Bacon

Have yourself a merry little Christmas.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hzN3Xrv47M (click the link for music)

“But the “Fates” did not allow.” 

It was his first session, just weeks before Christmas, and he needed to talk about a lost love.  My client came to the session with moist eyes and a soft voice as he began to talk about crying helplessly each time he heard certain Christmas songs.  It seemed that he and his former wife had both loved these songs and now that they were apart he could barely listen without tears falling.  As his story unfolded, I saw that his sadness was deep and enduring, and that while he had re-built his life, he probably would miss, and mourn for her, for a long time.

Contrary to what he expected, I asked him to bring his CDs of some of the songs, and we listened together while he told me all about her and their love affair.  The stories were sometimes tender, sometimes torrid, and sometimes painful.  He cried and even laughed, between silences.  And then, just days before Christmas, he resolved to enjoy his memories without remorse. 

When I hear the music of the Christmas season, I am reminded of the many stories of love lost and found, and of  “self” lost and found”, that I’ve had the privilege to witness.

For everyone who has lived, loved, struggled, and endured to live and love once more, 

have yourself a merry little Christmas.

 

 

Quote for Intentional Living – 12/18/10

Quote for Intentional Living

“Dare to be the first in a pair or a group to be wise, compassionate, and open. Lead others into the love you want.” 

Martha Beck

Quote for Intentional Living – 12/11/10

Quote for Intentional Living

“You have to speak your dream out loud.”  

 Kelly Corrigan

Only trying to help?

Are people resisting your suggestions?

 

Maybe you’re coming on too strongly!

Here are some tips to keep your “critiques” from becoming too critical, and help you to be easier on the ears of family and friends.

  *  Pause before speaking: Do whatever works to help you consider your words before you speak.  Perhaps counting to 3, or taking a couple of deep breaths will help.  What you need is just enough time, and presence of mind, to ask yourself if your observation is really so important that the person simply must hear it.  After some consideration you may decide that forgoing your opportunity to comment was both wise and gracious.

*  Walk in their shoes:  Try to consider how you would receive the same critique you are about to offer.  Would you graciously accept your own words, or would you feel stung by their sharpness?  This is simply another version of the Golden Rule.

* Find a better venue for giving advice:  If you like giving advice, and feel you are good at understanding various situations and how to best deal with them, perhaps you can find an outlet for your interest and talent.  There are numerous opportunities available if you want to focus your efforts in a place where they might be appreciated.  You might, for example, volunteer at a teen career center, or at recreational center for elders.  The point is to find people who are asking for ideas and suggestions rather than push yours at those who don’t ask for them.

Sometimes it’s helpful to give unsolicited ideas, but all too often it isn’t.  Try these tips before you target someone for help they aren’t asking for.

Quotes for Intentional Living – 12/04/10

Quote for Intentional Living

Things turn out best for people who make the best of the way things turn out.

John Wooden