Loving Beyond Your Means?

We all know what it means when someone says they are “living beyond their means.  In general most of us would agree that it’s not a good idea, but still, there are those unique opportunities to invest in something promising and with a strong likelihood of living up our hopes and dreams. 

What about when you’re investing, and perhaps over investing, in Someone  instead of something?

My client, an intelligent and accomplished woman, told me about her long-time companion who subtly but persistently kept a distance between them, possibly because the social club to which he belonged implicitly frowned on his relationship with her.   Yes, she was of a different ethnicity.  He professed love, and in fact acted in ways that showed her he did care.  Yet, ten years later had not asked for marriage, and continued to actively participate in the organization, almost always without her. 

She had, at the very beginning of our sessions, discussed one of her previous relationships.  She had not felt that her partner really ever embraced her emotionally.  He had never made her feel special, and certainly had not ever given others the impression she was special in his life.  She’d left him, hoping to find someone who truly cherished her.   And now, once again, her lover was choosing, though differently and for different reasons, someone/something else.  She loved him deeply, yet felt confused and conflicted about some of the complexity of her relationship. 

We spent many hours discussing her feelings and perspective on her relationship.  I began to see how she was being diminished by his subtle response to the one thing she could not change, and how this then had, in fact, softly changed her. 

The most poignant part of this story was her own awareness of feeling diminished, yet her determination to softly forgive him and to fiercely love him, no matter what.  She just believed that he loved her, and that it would all right one day soon.

 Love is the most important investment you can make.  And occasionally, yes,  one may knowingly, and with gentle surrender, “spend” beyond their means.

 

Quotes for Intentional Living – 3/26/11

Quote for Intentional Living

“We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people.”

Arthur Schopenhauer

Beauty stayed his hand.

“… and lo! the beast looked upon the face of beauty,

and beauty stayed his hand.

and from that day forward he was as one dead.”

This quote from the story King Kong capsulizes the plight and inevitable doom of the King once he saw, and was thoroughly captivated by the beauty of Ann Darrow.    And so too did the first moment of meeting his future lover come to haunt my client’s everyday moments.   He often talked during sessions about whether he would make that connection if given a chance to do it all again.  Although he had been deeply hurt in unforgettable ways he maintained that he had also experienced the most wonderfully intense moments of passion and uncommon moments of tenderness and caring.  Surprisingly- though perhaps not – he always came to the conclusion that “yes”, he would fall in love with her all over again – and experience all of the agony and ecstasy all over again.

Loving someone is not always easy.  It often is both emotionally uplifting and  emotionally painful.  Yet, as my client attested, love is powerful and can overwhelm even the  most challenging of situations and circumstances.

My client believed that loving someone, come what may, makes a life worth living, and that having loved her had given him the best and worst moments of his life.  Why hate her when he loved her more? Emily Dickinson said it this way:

Love and Hate.

 I had no time to hate, because

The grave would hinder me,

And life was not so ample I

Could finish enmity.

Nor had I time to love, but since

Some industry must be,

The little toil of love, I thought

Was large enough for me.

I think my client had it right and was in agreement with Ms. Dickinson’s spare yet eloquent poem.  Loving may be difficult and challenging at times, yet will always be more uplifting of one’s spirit than will it’s opposite.  Today, turn to the person you love and let them know how you feel.

Self-Harm Awareness

March 1st is “Self Injury Awareness Day”…

Awareness is indeed important because it may help those who self-injure to hear the perspective of others who have engaged in self-injurious behavior and now have resolved their inner conflicts and urges so are able to maintain control over these urges.

It’s important for parents and other care-givers to become interested in this secret world so that you can discern when someone close to you may need support and help.  It is surprising and distressing to know that most adolescents who self-injure do so while living, working and going to school in the midst of oblivious friends and adults.

Above all, knowing that someone is engaging in self-injury and remaining silent is NOT being supportive of that person. This is not a condition that should be managed on one’s own.  Staying silent only shows the person that they are not worth your trouble, and that their own secrecy is acceptable. 

Please urge anyone you know who is engaging in self-mutilating behavior to seek professional help, and make a committment to the person to seek help for them if they cannot do it for themselves.  It may be the most loving thing you do for them.