Forgive yourself; but not so fast!

It’s important to forgive oneself for the inevitable transgressions, failings and faulting of life.  In fact, holding on to unyielding self-blame can be not only demoralizing but also incapacitating, preventing you from achieving even small successes.

BUT don’t rush it either!  Too often someone will simply say to themselves “Oh well.  Too bad.  I wish it hadn’t happened but there’s no point in dwelling on it.”

On the contrary, it’s much more helpful – and mature – to dwell long enough to review your behavior and seriously think about how to avoid it in the  future.   In this time of reflection you may discover underlying issues that helped propel you to regretful conduct, and thereby have a chance to not only avoid similar circumstance, but to heal yourself and reconcile with others in a more meaningful way.

So although it is painful, and perhaps laden with sadness, take time to move THROUGH rather than move on, and build strength within yourself rather than just image for others to mistakenly admire.

Of course this process is sometimes difficult to do on your own.  You may fool yourself again, as you did the first time!  Contact a qualified therapist to help you find your way through and then past your grief and guilt.

Call today for an appointment, and begin the process of self-forgiveness.

Hey there, Sad Girl.

My client came to his initial sessions in deep despair.  He felt betrayed by someone who had claimed to love him.  Lies had been told about him, and some of those lies had found their way to people willing to use them for their own ends.  She had let that happen when she could have stopped it.  It also hurt that he had done the opposite:  remained silent about her betrayal and her hurtful behavior. 

Now though, a couple of years later, he had gained more perspective, felt more at peace, and began to express his understanding that she too had suffered – though it was important for him to point out to me that her pain had been from the actions of others and not from him. 

So he now thought that perhaps he and she shared something poignant even if unwanted:  a deep and abiding sadness over the way they had parted and for the people who had been hurt, themselves included. 

He told me he had a message for her; that both his love and his sadness are enduring, and that her love and sadness are remembered. 

I thought that sounded just about right.

If you have a deep and abiding sadness that sometimes wraps itself around you at unexpected moments, consider seeking the support and guidance of a qualified psychotherapist.   Perhaps you too can reach across an invisible divide and gently touch the memory of that certain someone.

No other eyes like yours.

Valentine’s Day is usually focused, at least publicly, on the ecstasy of current love.  What is seldom celebrated is love that, though real and unforgettable, is lost to the lovers.

The most beautiful and tragic love story ever written was penned by Walter Benton, titled  This Is My Beloved.

What follows is the first entry in this diary-style classic. 

Entry April 28

Because hate is legislated . . . written into

the primer and the testament,

shot into our blood and brain like a vaccine or vitamins 

Because our day is of time, of hours – and the clock-hand turns,

closes the circle upon us: and black timeless night

sucks us in like quicksand, receives us totally—

without a rain check or a parachute, a key to heaven or the last long look

I need love more than ever now . . .  I need your love,

I need love more than hope or money, wisdom or drink

Because slow negative death withers the world – and only yes

can turn the tide.

Because love has your face and body . . . and your hands are tender

and your mouth is sweet – and god has made no other eyes like yours.

 

Sometimes the words of another who has felt our pain, shed our tears, felt our soaring joy or harbored our silent hope can inspire us to tell our beloved how much we indeed cherish them… whether they slumber beside us or we are grieving their loss.   I hope you are living in the warmth of joy, but if you are sad over a loss of love and promise, consider a contacting a therapist today to begin illuminating your grief then dissipating your despair and building a future of renewed hopefulness.

Call for an appointment, and begin your own journey toward “Yes”.

 

 

It Yet Remains To See

Both clients came to treatment feeling very sad over a recent loss.

Within hours of each other I listened to two distinct and compelling stories. It was as if both clients had fallen into a hole.

 

One  had lost someone he loved.  Not through unexpected tragedy or unresolvable conflicts between them, but because he himself chose not to choose her.  It was a simple yet complicated story that involved promises made to someone else.  Promises, he said, were important to him, and so he had let a dream fall apart.

The second client had lost an opportunity for a new job that she had trained for over the past couple of years.   One day things seemed good; on track for success.  The next, they definitely were  not.  Her hopes and dreams fell into a hole, along with her confidence.  She’d had step away, and then take her bearings and find the strength to begin anew. 

Both clients seemed infinitely sad, and spoke of feeling broken in a place no one could see.  Both missed, and mourned everything that had seemed so possible.  And now both had come to therapy because they needed believe they could endure the next thing that would shatter their dreams.  “What was that?” I asked each in turn.  “What else was there?” 

First he, and then, in her own session, she surprised me; each saying that they weren’t sure what might happen next.   There was nothing specific that either of them could name.  It was just that they thought there probably would be something, sometime, somehow.  They both were simply waiting, and anticipating the coming of more, and deeper sadness.

Therapy revealed, and began to resolve his quiet despair and resignation, as well as her desperation and hopelessness .  He began to plan again, and to make an effort to improve things for himself and others.  She began to re-discover her self-confidence.   Yet both clients never really lost the tinge of sadness and the soft expectation of future additions to the well of tears that, one or two at a time, sometimes fell from their eyes.  After months of conversations, the sessions became easier for him.  We talked more of future than of past and he laughed from time to time… though not with his eyes.  She was able to open up to friends, but could not yet enjoy their playful chatter.   Both would need much more time to shed the pain.

And even now, though it is a long time since their sessions ended, when I think of either of them, I also think of this poem by Emily Dickinson:

Parting

My life closed twice before its close;

It yet remains to see

If Immortality unveil

A third event to me,

So huge, so hopeless to conceive,

As these that twice befell.

Parting is all we know of heaven,

And all we need of hell.

His therapy lasted a couple of years, her’s a little longer.  We worked through sad insights as well as hopeful realizations.  Eventually both clients were able to rekindle a love of the many wonderful surprises life can bring, and re-build a resilience to endure the not so wonderful surprises we all, from time-to-time, must face as we live through our own “partings.”

… and may you find peace.

Sometimes there is not much to say. 

One only need listen, and hold the other’s heart tenderly.

Such was the moment when my client handed me a poem, by Norah Leney, that he’d found; one that evoked for him the deep sadness that had  brought him to therapy several months before.

Deep sobs –
That start beneath my heart
and hold my body in a grip that hurts.
The lump that swells inside my throat
brings pain that tries to choke.
Then tears course down my cheeks –
I drop my head in my so empty hands
abandoning myself to deep dark grief
and know that with the passing time
will come relief.
That though the pain may stay
There soon will come a day
When I can say her name
and be at peace.

Sadness is often a guest in my office, unwanted yet accepted by clients as they lift their eyes to see their reflection in mine.

Sometimes there is not much to say.  Nothing more needs saying.  And sounds would interfere.

Come experience a healing conversation, and the gentle silences in-between, that lets you, finally, hear yourself. 

Make an appointment with a qualified therapist today.

R.I.P.

Sometimes there’s an amazing synchronicity among the clients in my practice.  And sometimes the synchronicity that so suddenly appears is sad and disturbing. 

Recently I had therapy sessions a number of people, none known to the others, who had suffered the death of a loved one.  Some deaths were the natural conclusion to a life well-lived, while a few were due to sudden and senseless violence.  One client tearfully shared with me memories of her mom, and the next day a father shared this memorial poem for his son.  I’m now sharing it with, and for everyone. 

       I’M FREE

Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free

I’m following the path laid out for me

I took the hand when I heard the call

I turned my back and left it all

I could not stay another day

To laugh, to love, to work or play

Tasks left undone must stay that way

If my parting has left a void

Fill it with remembered joy.

A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss

Ah yes, these things I too will miss.

Perhaps my time seems all to brief

Don’t lengthen it now with undue grief.

                                               Lift up your heart and share with me

                                                   I’m at peace,

and I am free.

 My clients had not yet found peace, and each one needed a place to let tears and memories freely flow.  This is always such a  difficult and precious time to spend with someone, and a privilege beyond measure.

Rest In Peace:  All those who were lost

Live Peacefully:  All those who are left. 

In Flander’s fields…

Honor those who have fallen,

no matter where you stand.

Today is a day of remembrance of those who died in US military service.  For their families and friends, we can take a moment to stand silently and reflect on the sacrifice made, and the debt owed. 

It’s not about politics today.  It’s about honoring those who gave the ultimate so secure our way of life, whether or not you wanted them to.

 

And though ideas and ideology, life style and world view may separate us, we can also  recognize and be grateful for the gifts we share as fellow citizens.  Why do you think so many others from so many countries seek to be here?   Yes, we are fortunate.  And in no small measure our good fortune is due to the sacrifices of a few.  This is their day.

 

 If you’ve lost a loved one or friend in past or recent wars, and still feel the pain of that loss in a way that has become too difficult to live with, call a qualified psychotherapist to work toward living with your loss rather than only surviving without him or her.

Thanks, but no thanks.

“It happened for a reason.”

 How many times have you heard it… or even said it yourself?  Someone has a calamitous event befall, and in an effort to cheer them up, cheer them on, someone will say that it’s a gift that will teach them about themselves.  Or perhaps that it will make them stronger, or a better person.

It’s partly true of course.  Unfortunate events can hold within them lessons from which we might draw insight and determination to make better decisions and live a better life.  But that doesn’t a blessing make.  In the words of Micheal J. Fox, currently struggling with Parkinson’s Disease, some people may want to see it as a gift, sure, but it’s “the gift that keeps on taking.”

If you  have the chance to support and console a friend who has had a difficult circumstance befall, it’s a wonderful thing to offer hope and to urge him or her to find a way to use the experience in a positive way; but it’s not helpful to simply re-cast the situation as a splendid gift!  Better to admit you would not want it to happen to you, and connect with the pain and sadness in a genuine and authentic way.  Far from demoralizing the person, acknowledging that no one would want such an event in their lives will let your friend or loved-one know that you actually do understand.

If you would speak of gifts, be the gift you speak of.

Seeing Death for the first time.

“When you see the death of anything,

you see the death of everything.”

And of yourself.

Several of my young adult clients are beginning to see older relatives fall ill and sometimes die.  These young people are being confronted, often for the first time, with the true nature of life and its complementary experience: death.   They come to therapy with sadness yes, but more so with some uncertainty and  confusion about how they should respond.  They are taking cues from adults around them, yet realized that there is something different about their own experience.   When I talk with them about their first glimmers of the passing of the torch they usually fall into to thoughtful stillness, then begin to understand their fear and grief over their loss.  

And then sometimes, as they open their inner eyes to the truth of the cycle of life, they begin to realize how fragile are we all; and why then it makes sense to be kind and thoughtful toward others, to forgive their transgressions when we can, and to remove ourselves yet sustain hopefulness for their eventual enlightenment even when we can’t.   We spend many sessions talking of the cycles of life and of our place in that cycle.  And more… of how to make the most of our lives.

And in this way, these young clients come to terms with their immediate loss, the eventual loss of other beloved people in their lives, their own ultimate departure from this life, and the importance of cherishing those who yet draw breath and return our gaze.  They learn what may be one of the more important lessons in life:

 

Be kind to all you meet.  They are dealing with sometime more difficult and distressing than you know. 

  If you are dealing with the serious illness or impending death of someone you love, call a qualified therapist today to make an appointment and begin discovering how you can make the most of their days… and of yours.