Letting Go To Feel Less Pain

Writer Lori Deschene related that Eckhart Tolle believes we create and maintain problems because they give us a sense of identity. Perhaps, Deschene opined, this explains why we often hold onto our pain far beyond its ability to serve us.  We tend to replay and even repeat mistakes over and over, causing those old feelings of shame and regret to be born anew, and to shape our actions in the present.  We cling to our frailties and anxieties as if that will give us power over them.  She offers the simple yet profound suggestion of which Ajahn Chah spoke:

“If you let go a little, you get a little peace.  If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.”  The following quotes and/or paraphrases Deschene’s ideas.

Ideas for Creative Letting Go of Frustration with Your Life:

• Learn a new skill. Rather than dwell on the ones you have mastered learning something new will help you realize your capacities may be greater and your limitations fewer that you think.
• Change your perception.  See each slip or fail as a window into something you can improve.
• Use immediate positive, self-affirming actions to re-balance the negative thoughts and feelings.
• Use a mindful body practice, such as yoga or Ta’i Ch’i to help bring you into the present and build a foundation for future strength and resilience instead of dwelling on the painful past.
• Make a list of accomplishments, even small one.  Again, for balance.

The point is, I think, that you should not waste your pain. It can be a useful motivator to continue your efforts to change, to be more aware, or more kind or more truthful or more consistent., and yes, more loving… If you let go.

 

Oh, the comfort-

Sent to me by a thoughtful client who grew beyond her own expectations, and shared with me this poem of quiet and heart-felt thanks.

And thank YOU.

 Oh, the comfort –

The inexpressible comfort –

of feeling safe with a person,

Having neither to weigh thoughts,

Nor measure words –

but pouring them all right out –

just as they are —

Chaff and grain together —

Certain that a faithful hand

Will take and sift them —

Keep what is worth keeping —

and with the breath of kindness

Blow the rest away.

You too can find this quiet understanding, perhaps first with a qualified and dedicated therapist if need be, and then with others in your life.

 Call today and make an appointment to find an easy ear and a generous heart to listen and reflect with you.

GAMBLING 1: are you going bust?

 Are you, or someone you know, gambling away the future?

Many people gamble a little and do so with discretion and responsible limits.  But some people do have a problem, and even more are on the edge of developing a problem with limiting and controlling their gambling.

Here are some warning signs:

• Needing to gamble larger and larger amounts to maintain the thrill.

• Blocks of time that are unaccounted for.

• Mood swings based on winning or losing .

• Using retirement funds or life insurance to finance gambling.

Some states, including California, sponsor a specialized Problem Gambling program.  The California version provides free counseling with specially trained therapists. 

Just contact the California Office of Problem Gambling (1-800-426-2537) or in another state contact the State Dept of Mental Health for a referral.

 Get help today, for yourself or for someone else.

Happy Valentine’s Day… to YOU!

 

 

On Valentine’s Day we all tend to focus on the love of another, perhaps someone near, perhaps someone far away, perhaps someone who exists only in our dreams.  What is too often overlooked is the importance of loving oneself.

Self love, along with self-appreciation and self-respect, can be illusive when we are conditioned to believe that such feelings are wrong.  The descriptions I’ve heard from clients in my office range from the official-sounding “narcissist” to the more colorful “full of herself.”   

 What I too seldom hear is the inclination toward love of self, expressed in a  wholesome and self-aware way that is at once modest and exhuberant! 

 So on this Valentine’s Day, take a moment to embrace your own spirit and recognize your unique attributes, as you smile upon the smile of someone you help to feel loved.

And if you’re having trouble finding genuine love for yourself, consider contacting a professional therapist to help you illuminate the love within, and to connect you to the love-of-self you deserve.

Forgive yourself; but not so fast!

It’s important to forgive oneself for the inevitable transgressions, failings and faulting of life.  In fact, holding on to unyielding self-blame can be not only demoralizing but also incapacitating, preventing you from achieving even small successes.

BUT don’t rush it either!  Too often someone will simply say to themselves “Oh well.  Too bad.  I wish it hadn’t happened but there’s no point in dwelling on it.”

On the contrary, it’s much more helpful – and mature – to dwell long enough to review your behavior and seriously think about how to avoid it in the  future.   In this time of reflection you may discover underlying issues that helped propel you to regretful conduct, and thereby have a chance to not only avoid similar circumstance, but to heal yourself and reconcile with others in a more meaningful way.

So although it is painful, and perhaps laden with sadness, take time to move THROUGH rather than move on, and build strength within yourself rather than just image for others to mistakenly admire.

Of course this process is sometimes difficult to do on your own.  You may fool yourself again, as you did the first time!  Contact a qualified therapist to help you find your way through and then past your grief and guilt.

Call today for an appointment, and begin the process of self-forgiveness.

Self-Harm Awareness

March 1st is “Self Injury Awareness Day”…

Awareness is indeed important because it may help those who self-injure to hear the perspective of others who have engaged in self-injurious behavior and now have resolved their inner conflicts and urges so are able to maintain control over these urges.

It’s important for parents and other care-givers to become interested in this secret world so that you can discern when someone close to you may need support and help.  It is surprising and distressing to know that most adolescents who self-injure do so while living, working and going to school in the midst of oblivious friends and adults.

Above all, knowing that someone is engaging in self-injury and remaining silent is NOT being supportive of that person. This is not a condition that should be managed on one’s own.  Staying silent only shows the person that they are not worth your trouble, and that their own secrecy is acceptable. 

Please urge anyone you know who is engaging in self-mutilating behavior to seek professional help, and make a committment to the person to seek help for them if they cannot do it for themselves.  It may be the most loving thing you do for them.

 

Haunted??? (re-posted from 2009)

Are you haunted by the ghosts of a difficult past experience?  Or perhaps by the demons of still-current destructive urges?   Perhaps the Halloween celebrations can also be celebrations of your freedom from thoughts that go “bump” in the night.    

It seems that many people are haunted by experiences that were traumatic and that endure in a way that infuses and even invades their daily life.  Sometimes these are childhood experiences and sometimes they come from more recent events.  In both cases, they may follow us where ever we go, poking our spirit with unwelcome memories and disturbing  images.  Sometimes a certain voice echoes in our hearts with hurtful words, and lingers with a chill even on the warmest day.  Clients have told me of old voices of former partners who taunted them with “You just don’t want me to have more of him.” or “I could have anyone else in 5 minutes” or “Why should I care? What’s the point?”  Other times the memory and voice is from long ago, from family or family friends, distant and hollow yet still powerful and able to pierce deeply and painfully with messages of “this is the last time.”

Difficult or even terrible memories of personal trauma from accidents, crime victimization, the sudden loss of loved ones, and the diagnosis of challenging or terminal medical conditions can also haunt us and cast a somber mood over our every moment.

If you find yourself chased by the ghosts of times and events past or present, and cannot within  yourself bring them away into the light, it’s time to seek the help of a qualified therapist to help you re-kindle your imagination in a more positive and hopeful way.  It’s time to start on a path of freedom from what haunts you.  

Call today to blow a breath of fresh air into your life, and chase those ghosts,  and even those demons,  away. 

 

Here There Be Dragons!

The decision to change, to journey into the unknown,

can be daunting!

It’s been said that committing to change is not unlike committing to leaving your familiar rooms and walking into a dark room every day.  You can’t be sure where the people are, or even where the furniture is.  You may find comfortable places and uncertain spaces.  There may be welcoming arms to embrace you

and, as sailors once feared as they left sight of land, there may be dragons to face you!

If you are ready, or want to get ready to explore the possiblities in your life, then contact a qualified therapist today and set sail into a new future.  And yes, the map you follow will have areas unknown and as yet unknowable, and perhaps marked with the the notation “Here there be dragons.” 

Learn to slay the dragons you discover and you will be able to live your life more intentionally.

Contact a qualified therapist and begin your own journey into a new future

Anxiety: fears and facts.

“We have nothing to fear except fear itself.” 

  When President Roosevelt spoke those words he captured a singular truth about the way we respond to our own anticipation of difficult events or situations.   Our fearful expectations can become more debilitating than the actual event of which we’re afraid.  This is especially true when we become afraid of our own anxiety.

Intense anxiety and Panic Attacks can be frightening, for sure.  The physical sensations associated with anxiety tend to increase the fearful feelings.  If however these sensations are better understood then a large measure of the fear may be diminished.   Here are some common Fears and the Facts that may help to reassure you.

• The sensations mean there is something physically wrong!  No.  The sensations associated with anxiety are triggered by body chemicals related to your emotional state.

• An anxiety attack, once begun, could never end!  No.  Anxiety attacks cannot last forever because you run out of the body chemicals that cause the sensations. 

• Anxiety can drive people crazy!  No.  Anxiety is a natural response, but causes  problems when it happens too often or causes you to do things that make matters worse.

• Anxiety will make me so dizzy that I pass out.  No.  The body’s reaction to anxiety is actually the opposite of what would cause you to pass out.

• Anxiety attacks will get worse and worse.  No, anxiety attacks respond to what you do about them.  You can reduce their intensity and even eliminate them all together.

Anxiety can be both uncomfortable and worrisome, but you can learn how to recognize and manage your anxiety symptoms so that the fear itself does not become your constant companion. 

Make an appointment today to begin illuminating and changing those scary thoughts. 

Thanks, but no thanks.

“It happened for a reason.”

 How many times have you heard it… or even said it yourself?  Someone has a calamitous event befall, and in an effort to cheer them up, cheer them on, someone will say that it’s a gift that will teach them about themselves.  Or perhaps that it will make them stronger, or a better person.

It’s partly true of course.  Unfortunate events can hold within them lessons from which we might draw insight and determination to make better decisions and live a better life.  But that doesn’t a blessing make.  In the words of Micheal J. Fox, currently struggling with Parkinson’s Disease, some people may want to see it as a gift, sure, but it’s “the gift that keeps on taking.”

If you  have the chance to support and console a friend who has had a difficult circumstance befall, it’s a wonderful thing to offer hope and to urge him or her to find a way to use the experience in a positive way; but it’s not helpful to simply re-cast the situation as a splendid gift!  Better to admit you would not want it to happen to you, and connect with the pain and sadness in a genuine and authentic way.  Far from demoralizing the person, acknowledging that no one would want such an event in their lives will let your friend or loved-one know that you actually do understand.

If you would speak of gifts, be the gift you speak of.