Quotes for Intentional Living

 Quote for Intentional Living

“We find rest in those we love, and we provide a resting place for those who love us.”

St. Bernard of Clairvaux

Unhappy men and happy women.

“Unhappy Men and the Women Who Love Them” by Nancy Shute.

“Men like it when women let them know when they’re happy. Women like it when men share their anger and frustration.

Well, that sounds like a bit of a problem.

But the good news, researchers say, is that what matters most in a relationship is whether it feels like the other person is really trying to relate to the emotions, whether they’re happy or sad.

It’s not so hard to understand why men get satisfaction out of seeing their wife or girlfriend happy. Wouldn’t anyone?

But the notion that women like seeing their mate angry, sad or frustrated is more of a puzzle. What’s up with us, women?

But the findings are consistent with what we know about couples, says Shiri Cohen, a clinical psychologist and researcher at Massachusetts General Hospital. She asked 156 couples to remember incidents in the relationship that upset them, and compared their reactions.  “The women tend to want to engage around conflict,” she told Shots. “They’re deriving more satisfaction when they see that their partner is upset.”

Evidently we women see a man’s willingness to share negative feelings as a sign that he’s invested in the relationship. Cohen says: “That’s telling her something about his availability to engage in the conflict.”

Men feel exactly the opposite about those moments of conflict: They see it as a threat to the relationship. Instead, Cohen says, “They do derive satisfaction when their girlfriends or wives are happy.”  The findings were just published in the Journal of Family Psychology.

So I guess we women have to stop and take notice at those moments of male happiness. And men could profit by starting a sentence with the phrase “I feel bad about ….”

But both sexes benefit when they make it clear they’re empathizing with the other’s feelings, be they good or bad.

“It’s sometimes difficult for partners to look past what their own emotions are,” Cohen says. “It helps to know that different kinds of emotions can enhance the way people feel about their relationships”.”  [ Re-printed in full from the NPR Health Blog on March 6, 2012]

Be intentional about making each other happy. 

Contact a qualified therapist today to begin learning how to identify and communicate your real inner feelings.

Quotes for Intentional Living – 3/05/12

Quote for Intentional Living

“Only those who are ravaged by Love

     know Love.

                                                   Rumi

You’ve Got Mail!

My client came to his appointment with a letter he’d received.

It was an apology, of sorts, from a former lover.  Of sorts, because after the initial statement saying “Sorry”, the letter moved on to say how much she’d lost from her life since he’d last seen her and how she felt betrayed by former friends.  While he was sad to hear of these things, he’d had nothing to do with those events, having not seen her for a few years prior. 

What he’d lost during his relationship with her was, however, another story.   She had done some terribly hurtful things to him, things that crushed his self-esteem, ended his relationship with a few friends, and diminished his trust in others.  And she’d done them knowingly and intentionally, she’d later admitted.  She’d laughed while she said hateful things, had told him she’d maybe do it all again the same way, and then told lies to mask her own behavior.

Now she was saying “Sorry.”  But “For what?”,  he wondered aloud.  Maybe for having had the relationship at all, but not for what she then did to so deeply and enduringly wound him.   She wished for everyone’s happiness.  He shook his head, perplexed.   “Yes, he hoped she would be happy.”  It was his way after all. 

Him?  He didn’t think it likely anytime soon.

I sat with him as he alternated between downcast silence and pained questions.  He talked and I listened.  Then near the end of the session, I talked while he listened.   Finally we shared a few moments of silence.

The session ended as he remembered why he’d started therapy – to illuminate and amplify the elements of his life that he wanted more of, and to shed the brimming sadness that had become his memories.  He turned again toward this goal, and made another appointment.

And as he left he gently dropped the letter into the small wastebasket.

If you are struggling with an emotional wound that burns beyond it’s time, and are not sure how to extinguish the flame, contact a qualified therapist today, and learn how to light a new and positive fire in your heart, and to rekindle your hope for your future.

Call today! 

 

Forgive yourself; but not so fast!

It’s important to forgive oneself for the inevitable transgressions, failings and faulting of life.  In fact, holding on to unyielding self-blame can be not only demoralizing but also incapacitating, preventing you from achieving even small successes.

BUT don’t rush it either!  Too often someone will simply say to themselves “Oh well.  Too bad.  I wish it hadn’t happened but there’s no point in dwelling on it.”

On the contrary, it’s much more helpful – and mature – to dwell long enough to review your behavior and seriously think about how to avoid it in the  future.   In this time of reflection you may discover underlying issues that helped propel you to regretful conduct, and thereby have a chance to not only avoid similar circumstance, but to heal yourself and reconcile with others in a more meaningful way.

So although it is painful, and perhaps laden with sadness, take time to move THROUGH rather than move on, and build strength within yourself rather than just image for others to mistakenly admire.

Of course this process is sometimes difficult to do on your own.  You may fool yourself again, as you did the first time!  Contact a qualified therapist to help you find your way through and then past your grief and guilt.

Call today for an appointment, and begin the process of self-forgiveness.

It’s about time!

Imagine that you had won the following prize in a
contest:
Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400.00 in your private account for your use.

However, this prize has rules, just as any game has rules.

   The first set of rules would be:

1) Everything that you didn’t spend during each day would be taken away from you.
2) You may not transfer money into some other account.   You may only spend it.          3) Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400.00 for that day.

      The second set of  rules – there’s only one!:

     The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say “It’s over, the game is over!” and you will not be invited to play again.  Your account is permanently closed!
What would you do?

You would buy anything and everything you wanted, right?  Not only for yourself, but also for people you love, right?  And you would do as many “good” things as you could for everyone everywhere.  You would try to spend as much of it as you possibly could doing good things for the planet, its people, and the creatures we share it with.

     ACTUALLY This  GAME is  REALITY!

Each of us is in possession of such a magical  bank. We just can’t seem to see it.

             
The MAGICAL BANK is  TIME!

Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400
seconds as a gift of life, and when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is  NOT credited to us.

What we haven’t lived up that day is forever  
lost.

Yesterday is forever gone.

Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank  can dissolve your account at any
time….WITHOUT  WARNING.

SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400  seconds?

Those seconds are worth so much more than the
same amount in dollars.

Think about that, and always think of this:

Enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you  think.

So take care of yourself, be Happy, Love Deeply and enjoy life!

Start spending!

Hey there, Sad Girl.

My client came to his initial sessions in deep despair.  He felt betrayed by someone who had claimed to love him.  Lies had been told about him, and some of those lies had found their way to people willing to use them for their own ends.  She had let that happen when she could have stopped it.  It also hurt that he had done the opposite:  remained silent about her betrayal and her hurtful behavior. 

Now though, a couple of years later, he had gained more perspective, felt more at peace, and began to express his understanding that she too had suffered – though it was important for him to point out to me that her pain had been from the actions of others and not from him. 

So he now thought that perhaps he and she shared something poignant even if unwanted:  a deep and abiding sadness over the way they had parted and for the people who had been hurt, themselves included. 

He told me he had a message for her; that both his love and his sadness are enduring, and that her love and sadness are remembered. 

I thought that sounded just about right.

If you have a deep and abiding sadness that sometimes wraps itself around you at unexpected moments, consider seeking the support and guidance of a qualified psychotherapist.   Perhaps you too can reach across an invisible divide and gently touch the memory of that certain someone.

Loving Beyond Your Means?

We all know what it means when someone says they are “living beyond their means.  In general most of us would agree that it’s not a good idea, but still, there are those unique opportunities to invest in something promising and with a strong likelihood of living up our hopes and dreams. 

What about when you’re investing, and perhaps over investing, in Someone  instead of something?

My client, an intelligent and accomplished woman, told me about her long-time companion who subtly but persistently kept a distance between them, possibly because the social club to which he belonged implicitly frowned on his relationship with her.   Yes, she was of a different ethnicity.  He professed love, and in fact acted in ways that showed her he did care.  Yet, ten years later had not asked for marriage, and continued to actively participate in the organization, almost always without her. 

She had, at the very beginning of our sessions, discussed one of her previous relationships.  She had not felt that her partner really ever embraced her emotionally.  He had never made her feel special, and certainly had not ever given others the impression she was special in his life.  She’d left him, hoping to find someone who truly cherished her.   And now, once again, her lover was choosing, though differently and for different reasons, someone/something else.  She loved him deeply, yet felt confused and conflicted about some of the complexity of her relationship. 

We spent many hours discussing her feelings and perspective on her relationship.  I began to see how she was being diminished by his subtle response to the one thing she could not change, and how this then had, in fact, softly changed her. 

The most poignant part of this story was her own awareness of feeling diminished, yet her determination to softly forgive him and to fiercely love him, no matter what.  She just believed that he loved her, and that it would all right one day soon.

 Love is the most important investment you can make.  And occasionally, yes,  one may knowingly, and with gentle surrender, “spend” beyond their means.

 

Quotes for Intentional Living – 2/12/11

 Quote for Intentional Living

 “I want to do things so wild with you that I don’t know how to say them.”

                  ~Anaïs Nin to Henry Miller

Meltdown in the Barbie aisle

Be a doll, and help me pick out a gift!

My client told me a story about an argument she had with her partner, a parent of a young girl, about what toys to buy as a surprise for the child.  The girl had previously asked for a doll, and so my client and her partner marched with determination into the toy section of a local big-box story; only to be confronted with what she considered an ultimate insult to her personal brand of feminism: dozens of Barbie dolls.  So they had an argument; about money, about the available selection of toys, and about her partner’s difficulty with making a choice, about everything.  Until, that is, she remembered having had her own Barbie collection, hard-earned with chore money, when she herself was young!

She realized that having had access to unfettered inspiration may have actually helped her to grow into the strong and independent woman she’d become.  She laughed at her own outrage against her very own history.  They left the store smiling and with a couple of dolls in their shopping bags. 

It’s helpful to remember when you were just beginning to learn, to grow and to “become”, so that you might be gentle with those who are now trying to do the same. 

Offer gently guidance, and be patient with mistakes and missteps.   

And try not to hold them or yourself hostage to your own tangled roots.  If the tangle is too much to handle, contact a qualified therapist to help.